Peace & Happiness~ After I vented in my words yesterday, I really felt a giant chip lifted off my shoulder. For practically the whole school year, I was unhappy. After the whole thing with Jamie was torn from my hands, I was just mad at the world. My boys would call me loose cannon, and angry black man. Thats how bad I was, prone to go off at the smallest thing. "Yo, Calvin can I get some of those skittles?" "WHAT!! Nigga it's one bag of skittles, if I give you some, I gotta give everybody some. Then I'm a be stuck with a half bag of skittles. I didn't spend sixty cents to give 30 cent away." This is usually where I get a bunch of funny looks from everyone in the room, like I belong in some kind of home. As I was writing yesterday, I realized why I was so mad. Before my sophomore year here, I was used to pullin mad girls. Back in my high school years, I used to holla at every girl that I knew. "Yo, when you gonna let me hit it, *insert random girl name here*?" That's how I was. I had mad confidence. More often than not, I did what I wanted, when I wanted too. I was a little bad kid back in the day. Going to Food Lion, stealing whatever I wanted, when I wanted it, right in front of people. Like I was a fuckin God or somethin. Anywho, even when I got to college, I was always trying to meet new people, mostly girls. I would go out my way to try to know everyone that I could. Every girl that I hollared at, I considered a potential new girlfriend. That was around the time I met Jamie. I was a choosy nigga too, I wouldn't just holla at any mudduck, I have a standard of 8 or above (with an exception of a select few within my lifetime). But when, all that bullshyt went down with all the relation interruptions, I just stopped. I didn't notice I stopped, I just subcontiously stopped. And yesterday while I was writing, I finally realized that, that was the reason for me losing my confidence. After all the mess, when I would be with my niggas, and girls would come over, I wouldn't even talk, just keep to my damn self. Then by the time I would get used to their presence, and actually start talking to them, they would be in the friend zone. I think one of the reasons for me not taking the initiative to holla at anyone was because I was subcontiously looking for a girl to be like Jamie, but no one was like that. So I would just dismiss them. I know it sounds stupid but I was really feelin that girl, and if any of yall reading this has been in a similar situation, you know what I'm talkin about. You miss the way they do shyt, and you look at other people to do similar things, but it doesn't happen. Then you just say fuck it, I don't like this person, I'm gonna look somemore. Well I finally let it go, I feel like a free man today. Starting brand new. I'm not saying I'm about to just start doing the things I used to do. That would be too hard. I have to gradually get myself back to the point that I was at. I was always a semi-shy person, I had to force myself to do the things that I did, there's always that nervousness, ya know. You don't wanna get played or nothin. It just wasn't that hard to force myself back then. Now it's mad hard, and I have to man up, and get myself to that point again.
When I woke up today, like I said earlier, I was mad happy. Then as the day went by, shyt just kept getting better. I lost my class ring like a month ago, and I've been running around bugging everyone asking them to keep watch for it. First thing this morning as I was picking up some magnets ( My roommate and my boy have a bad habit of throwing refridgerator magnets, at the metal air conditioner, and they bounce off and fall everywhere.) I was moving my little bookstand, and I found my ring. It was under the desk, so whenever l looked behind it, I never saw it. So I was hyped about that. Then I went to go take my public speaking exam, and the shyt was so easy, it literally made me laugh when I saw it. After the exam, I went to go eat, and they had some bomb ass fried chicken. I was mad amped by then. I had a little swagger in my walk and everything. Nobody could have ruined my mood. I have a feeling that this summer when I get off, I will have a much better time then I have ever had for any summer vacation.