Broken~It's been a while since I hit up the web journal shit. I've gone through months of happy times, as well as months of pain since I last wrote. In April my granddaddy passed away, and not one week after he passed, my best friend's brother got killed by a stray bullet. This had to have been the saddest time of my life because I'm just not used to death in my circle. It doesn't happen often, so when it does it's major shock. The summer this year did nothing to compare to last summer but it was fun nontheless. Me, chris and ryan fucked around and started chillin wit these girls in Denbeigh and long story short, shit just didn't happen the way we planned. Rock bottom is an understatement. My 3rd car passed on to car heaven and I got another one that's 10x better than the last piece of shit that I had. Fast forward past the lukewarm summer and the other bullshit goin on. A girl I knew from the past got in contact with me right before the summer started, and we would talk all the time, but then shit just started getting scary. She would start acting like we were "together" (and there's nothing wrong wit that, IF i felt like I wanted to be wit her) and she would make plans to come travel to see me, and try to buy me shit, offering me money (I don't really like to use girls for money, cause that shit will almost definetely come back to haunt a nigga). Needless to say, I had to cut her off in a mean way. I just stopped taking her calls. I'm really cuttin shit short cause so much has happened since I last wrote. The main thing that has been goin on, is my ongoing "relationship" wit Bella. I never wrote about bella in here before so I'll explain. In January, my boy chris introduces me to her and he's all like "try to hit it" so I'm like aiight, I'll see. When I met her (and I know this is stupid) we gots to talkin and I found out that she liked ras kass. I've never met a girl who even knew who ras kass was, let alone someone who liked him. So when I found that out, I was on some "ok, I'm a see what she's about, instead of just tryin to hit it." We talk for a few weeks and I find out that she likes my nigga ryan, and basically think she's tryin to play us like we're stupid. Now the old Calvin would have flipped out and basically tried his best to make this girl's life miserable, but as u know if u've read the past entries, I'm well on my way to being a better person. Matter of fact, I can say that from the time I started this blog, to now, I've grown significantly so that I don't even entertain thoughts like that. Anyways, I address her about the situation and she claimed that she didn't know I was tryin to get at her like that ( I don't see how she couldn't see that, but hey, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.) So weeks go on, and eventually we take things to "that" level, and at first, for me, it's just sex. Now 9 months later, I'm find myself catchin feelings and I hate it. I don't like the feeling of caring for somebody, I can't stand it cause it's foreign to me. It's only happened once before and it ended in disater. I don't like not knowing where u stand in a relationship like we have. The thing that sucks the most is the feeling of not knowing cause it's like at any moment things can fall apart and you're left wondering why. Did I do something wrong? Did she just get tired of me? Was I too clingy? Feelings and questions like that are the reason why I don't like to catch feelings, cause I don't like those questions coming into my head. It makes me feel like I'm one of those people I always laugh at. If I didn't have feelings and something happened, I'd shrug it off. "chalk it up to the game" type of shit. Now, i don't know how I would feel if she were to just say, "enough" and that "not knowing" feeling is what I hate the most. More to come.