I Remember~ today is another one of those rare days when I'm off at work. Sometimes on those days I dream of quitting just so I can enjoy everyday off. Enjoy my so called "vacation". Today I got to thinking. I got in trouble yesterday because I didn't clean the bathroom, (in my eyes it was clean, cept for a little soap on the counter) and not cutting the grass (In my eyes it wasn't long). Mom said we have to have a "talk" apparently because I "feel all I should do is sleep here". Which is not true. I work everyday for rediculous amounts of hours. When I get home I tend to change and go out and hang with my boys if it's not too late. (more often than not, it is too late) So I really can't chill with them that often. Anywho, I guess she thinks I'm not doing something right. Which got me daydreaming about all the things I wish I could tell her. (I can't cause I'm sure she'd take it the wrong way tand think I was getting smart or something like that) The way I act now is the way I was trained or brought up to act. there is a whole lot of ish that my mom or my family has done, or said to make me who I am.
I remember always talking when I was a kid, always curious about things, always asking questions. I remember my mom telling me to shut up one day after I asked one to many questions. After that I remember not saying much anymore.
I remember my sister throwing me into a mirror one time, (by accident, but was thrown into one regardless) I remember her never let me hang out with her. She was my only sister and I didn't have any close friends except for maybe one or two. So when she left me, I would get mad or sad cause I was alone. I remember one day before I was old enough to start school, looking at my sisters picture crying cause she had to go to school and she couldn't stay with me. I was real close to her back then. Now I don't really talk to her. I say it's her fault for never wanting to have much to do with me when I was young. It really is true that children are impressionable. I remember watching my sister and her friends playing spades and I asked if she could teach me to play. She said no. I was 9 then, and I didn't learn how to play till my junior year of high school.
I remember before my mom and dad divorced, my dad left to go over seas for the war. I remember during that time my mom found someone to tutor me in math. I remember them going out some nights leaving me with a babysitter. I always wondered where they went. I thought it was wrong for her to go out with someone while my dad was in a war.
I remember when he came back how happy she was. I remember me, my sister, and my mom, being at the airport. My mom had on a long trenchcoat. They didn't come home that night. I wonder what they were doing.
I remember all types of shyt from all ages that most people forget about. It's all tatooted on my brain, like it all happened yesterday.
I remember growing up around all these white kids in Germany and Texas. Always the only black kid around. Then moving to Virginia. I remember in Texas I got in my first fight. I lost. A big black eye on a black kid. A feat hard to achieve, it looked more greenish than it did black.
I remember how dissapointed my dad looked when I told him I didn't like playing basketball. It was like I broke his heart, shredded it, then fed it to rats.
I remember my first day of school, with my E.T. lunchbox and my pound puppies hat. I remember the second graders laughing at my hat. I didn't care, I was young, in kindergarten. It was expected. My grandparents gave me that hat. I still have it somewhere.
I remember everytime we had to move from place to place I didn't care becasue I didn't have any friends. All I had were the toys my mom gave me. I still have the first ninja turtle she bought me.
I remember all the arguing and loundness that swallowed the house before my parents divorced. I remember my mom calling me to her room one night, asking me who I would rather stay with. Her or him. I remember that being the hardest choice I've ever made. A 7 year old asked to choose between their mom or dad. I didn't think it was fair of her to ask me that, but I guess then I didn't know about nasty custody battles either. So I guess it was for the best.
I remember, on that night my mom made me choose, to decide to never marry anyone who I didn't absolutely love. And to definitely not have kids with someone I'm not crazy for. I never want to put my children through that.
I remember not being allowed to watch T.V. during the weekdays as a kid. Always going to school the next day listening to kids talk about last nights "Home Improvement" or some other hot show. I felt like a reject cause I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. It's like hearing about the new movie that you didn't see, only it's everyday, not every once in a while.
I remember my sister tried teaching me to dance when I was 8, and everyone laughed at me. To this day I don't like to dance casue I feel everyone is looking and laughing at me. I have to force myself to dance at parties.
I remember the day my sister told me that we had different dads. I didn't know then, I think I was 5 or 6. I didn't believe her so I asked mom. She confirmed it. Maybe that's why she never wanted to hang out with me then, maybe not. Maybe cause we were 5 years apart, either way there's no excuse. It was fucked up that she never wanted to play with me. Her boyfriend (now husband) played with me more in one day then she did in one month.
I remember being in the laundry mat one day with my mom. I saw my sister's boyfriend's brother in there. I asked him for a quarter so I could play the game. My mom yanked me and told me not to ask people for anything. To this day, I don't like asking people for anything, and I don't like to take charity. And she wonders why in a store I feel stupid asking for assistance.
I remember one day when I was 7, I was getting out the tub when there was a knock on the door. My mom and her new boyfriend were on the couch watchin T.V. It was like they were ignoring the door. I asked who it was and it was my dad. I started to let him in then my mom ran up and stopped me. I remember my dad shouting and beating at the door swearing like a drunk sailor. I remember the fear in James' eyes when my dad was going beserk. And I loved it. I hated him and his punk ass son.
I remember moving from Texas to Virginia because James wanted to be closer to his family or something like that. I remember his wife calling and my mom getting fed up so she told everyone we knew to call, let the phone ring twice, hang up, and call again. I thought it was the most rediculous thing I'd ever seen. I remember when we finally got to VA, James left my mom. I already hated his guts but tolerated him cause he made my mom happy, now I wanted to feed his weak heart to Satan. I remember then making the decision to never be a punk ass coward and just walk out on a woman without a word.
I remember my mom was going out with some guy named Kalif or whatever. I remember not liking him cause he always wore sunglasses. He reminded me of a drug dealer or something. I remember he forced me to take money for ice cream after I refused him. I don't recall seeing much of him after that day.
I remember my first kiss, 13 years old. Girl named Wendy. It was like heaven, I never wanted it to end. I remember turning down a chance to lose my virginity because I didn't want to cheat on my girl. Turns out she cheated on me. If the hands of time could turn...
I remember being in the 4th grade at some christian private school. I cried in class one day while singing a song about Christ dying on the cross. I felt bad for him. Too bad I lost that innocence. I know if there is a heaven and hell, if I were to die today, I'd go to hell. Not because I'm a bad person or because I do stupid things. I'd go because I question just how reliable the Bible is. Man changes things all the time and the Bible was writtin by man. Did he exaggerate some things, and in addition to that, New editions of the Bible come out all the time with all kinds of things changed. If the Bible is supposed to be my "road map" I know damn well that sooner or later it will steer me the wrong way.
I remember getting baptized and not feeling different at all. I felt like I was robbed of the experience or something.
I remember my mom took all my rap CD's one day and said I couldn't have them cause of what they promote. I remember asking her what the difference was between Rap and R&B, cause they talk about the same thing, one is just sugar coated. She said rap talks about Bitches and ho's and R&B talks about making love. She was wrong. Just listen to any R Kelly CD. He's not talking about making love, he's talking about fucking! and we all know it. His just sounds nicer over the guitars and trumpets, as opposed to rappers doing there thing over drum snares and Bass.
Last I remember just about everyone I come across in life, nice or mean. They all have some kind of affect on me as a person, as an individual. Last night when I was trying to go to sleep, I was wondering if I was a good person, cause of the things I do or say to people, then I answered to myself, yes I am, cause I am only mean to those who are mean to me. It's Karma. If your mean to me, what goes around comes around. Or in my words, I'm supposed to be throwing them darts back at the muthafuckas that fuck with me. It's Karma. I hope yall enjoy what I'm feedin yall, this is 100% real and from the heart. I'll holla. OnE.
I remember always talking when I was a kid, always curious about things, always asking questions. I remember my mom telling me to shut up one day after I asked one to many questions. After that I remember not saying much anymore.
I remember my sister throwing me into a mirror one time, (by accident, but was thrown into one regardless) I remember her never let me hang out with her. She was my only sister and I didn't have any close friends except for maybe one or two. So when she left me, I would get mad or sad cause I was alone. I remember one day before I was old enough to start school, looking at my sisters picture crying cause she had to go to school and she couldn't stay with me. I was real close to her back then. Now I don't really talk to her. I say it's her fault for never wanting to have much to do with me when I was young. It really is true that children are impressionable. I remember watching my sister and her friends playing spades and I asked if she could teach me to play. She said no. I was 9 then, and I didn't learn how to play till my junior year of high school.
I remember before my mom and dad divorced, my dad left to go over seas for the war. I remember during that time my mom found someone to tutor me in math. I remember them going out some nights leaving me with a babysitter. I always wondered where they went. I thought it was wrong for her to go out with someone while my dad was in a war.
I remember when he came back how happy she was. I remember me, my sister, and my mom, being at the airport. My mom had on a long trenchcoat. They didn't come home that night. I wonder what they were doing.
I remember all types of shyt from all ages that most people forget about. It's all tatooted on my brain, like it all happened yesterday.
I remember growing up around all these white kids in Germany and Texas. Always the only black kid around. Then moving to Virginia. I remember in Texas I got in my first fight. I lost. A big black eye on a black kid. A feat hard to achieve, it looked more greenish than it did black.
I remember how dissapointed my dad looked when I told him I didn't like playing basketball. It was like I broke his heart, shredded it, then fed it to rats.
I remember my first day of school, with my E.T. lunchbox and my pound puppies hat. I remember the second graders laughing at my hat. I didn't care, I was young, in kindergarten. It was expected. My grandparents gave me that hat. I still have it somewhere.
I remember everytime we had to move from place to place I didn't care becasue I didn't have any friends. All I had were the toys my mom gave me. I still have the first ninja turtle she bought me.
I remember all the arguing and loundness that swallowed the house before my parents divorced. I remember my mom calling me to her room one night, asking me who I would rather stay with. Her or him. I remember that being the hardest choice I've ever made. A 7 year old asked to choose between their mom or dad. I didn't think it was fair of her to ask me that, but I guess then I didn't know about nasty custody battles either. So I guess it was for the best.
I remember, on that night my mom made me choose, to decide to never marry anyone who I didn't absolutely love. And to definitely not have kids with someone I'm not crazy for. I never want to put my children through that.
I remember not being allowed to watch T.V. during the weekdays as a kid. Always going to school the next day listening to kids talk about last nights "Home Improvement" or some other hot show. I felt like a reject cause I didn't know what the hell they were talking about. It's like hearing about the new movie that you didn't see, only it's everyday, not every once in a while.
I remember my sister tried teaching me to dance when I was 8, and everyone laughed at me. To this day I don't like to dance casue I feel everyone is looking and laughing at me. I have to force myself to dance at parties.
I remember the day my sister told me that we had different dads. I didn't know then, I think I was 5 or 6. I didn't believe her so I asked mom. She confirmed it. Maybe that's why she never wanted to hang out with me then, maybe not. Maybe cause we were 5 years apart, either way there's no excuse. It was fucked up that she never wanted to play with me. Her boyfriend (now husband) played with me more in one day then she did in one month.
I remember being in the laundry mat one day with my mom. I saw my sister's boyfriend's brother in there. I asked him for a quarter so I could play the game. My mom yanked me and told me not to ask people for anything. To this day, I don't like asking people for anything, and I don't like to take charity. And she wonders why in a store I feel stupid asking for assistance.
I remember one day when I was 7, I was getting out the tub when there was a knock on the door. My mom and her new boyfriend were on the couch watchin T.V. It was like they were ignoring the door. I asked who it was and it was my dad. I started to let him in then my mom ran up and stopped me. I remember my dad shouting and beating at the door swearing like a drunk sailor. I remember the fear in James' eyes when my dad was going beserk. And I loved it. I hated him and his punk ass son.
I remember moving from Texas to Virginia because James wanted to be closer to his family or something like that. I remember his wife calling and my mom getting fed up so she told everyone we knew to call, let the phone ring twice, hang up, and call again. I thought it was the most rediculous thing I'd ever seen. I remember when we finally got to VA, James left my mom. I already hated his guts but tolerated him cause he made my mom happy, now I wanted to feed his weak heart to Satan. I remember then making the decision to never be a punk ass coward and just walk out on a woman without a word.
I remember my mom was going out with some guy named Kalif or whatever. I remember not liking him cause he always wore sunglasses. He reminded me of a drug dealer or something. I remember he forced me to take money for ice cream after I refused him. I don't recall seeing much of him after that day.
I remember my first kiss, 13 years old. Girl named Wendy. It was like heaven, I never wanted it to end. I remember turning down a chance to lose my virginity because I didn't want to cheat on my girl. Turns out she cheated on me. If the hands of time could turn...
I remember being in the 4th grade at some christian private school. I cried in class one day while singing a song about Christ dying on the cross. I felt bad for him. Too bad I lost that innocence. I know if there is a heaven and hell, if I were to die today, I'd go to hell. Not because I'm a bad person or because I do stupid things. I'd go because I question just how reliable the Bible is. Man changes things all the time and the Bible was writtin by man. Did he exaggerate some things, and in addition to that, New editions of the Bible come out all the time with all kinds of things changed. If the Bible is supposed to be my "road map" I know damn well that sooner or later it will steer me the wrong way.
I remember getting baptized and not feeling different at all. I felt like I was robbed of the experience or something.
I remember my mom took all my rap CD's one day and said I couldn't have them cause of what they promote. I remember asking her what the difference was between Rap and R&B, cause they talk about the same thing, one is just sugar coated. She said rap talks about Bitches and ho's and R&B talks about making love. She was wrong. Just listen to any R Kelly CD. He's not talking about making love, he's talking about fucking! and we all know it. His just sounds nicer over the guitars and trumpets, as opposed to rappers doing there thing over drum snares and Bass.
Last I remember just about everyone I come across in life, nice or mean. They all have some kind of affect on me as a person, as an individual. Last night when I was trying to go to sleep, I was wondering if I was a good person, cause of the things I do or say to people, then I answered to myself, yes I am, cause I am only mean to those who are mean to me. It's Karma. If your mean to me, what goes around comes around. Or in my words, I'm supposed to be throwing them darts back at the muthafuckas that fuck with me. It's Karma. I hope yall enjoy what I'm feedin yall, this is 100% real and from the heart. I'll holla. OnE.