Not enough hours~ Since graduation, I feel like a part of me has been stripped away and replaced with newfound responsibilities. Before, I only had to worry about what my thesis was going to be on that ten page paper; now, I have to worry about how I'm gonna pay all these fuckin bills that keep coming in the mail. I just made it so some of them get taken out of my checking account automatically, and that makes things a little bit easier. The only thing I don't like about that is the fact that I have to limit my ATM usage. I've been an ATM hawk over the years and to make that adjustment is killing me. Fortunately I've been serving a lot more than cooking at the lobster, so I can keep a little bit of pocket change on me at all times. I think I bring in an average of 300 a week, I guess that wouldn't be so bad if I didn't smoke all the damn time. That shit is starting to kill my pockets, and my brain. I've been cutting down on the herbal treatments recently, mainly because I feel like I'm getting dumber by the day. I've gone from smoking everyday to smoking like once every two or three days. I know it's not a big difference but it's a start. I feel like there is so much going on in my life, but if I look at the big picture, there really ain't shit going on. There are a lot of things that I could eliminate from my life, but I feel like I can't. I could eliminate the music aspect from my life, but I can't simply because I believe that we have enough talent to make an impact in the industry. Backlash records/ent. is starting to become bigger. We have a lot of mixtapes and CD's that are able to be distributed, it's just that with little manpower they are difficult to distribute in a wide scale. Women take up a big portion of my life, well this one woman. I find myself thinking about her more than I think I should, and I just admitted to myself today that I'm scared to just let shit go and live my life. I've gotten my feelings hurt so many times that I feel like if I put energy into making something happen, I'll just fall on my face. I could let that go too, but what kind of man would I be if I said 'fuck women'. I'm laughing right now at just the thought. This whole business with living at home is really starting to get under my skin because I can't live my life the way I want to live it. I have to put up with parental advice every fuckin day. I don't look gift horses in the grill, but honestly, who wants to hear advice every day if they don't think they need it. I appreciate the lessons parents can teach you but I don't think parents understand that there are some lessons that can't be taught, they have to be learned. Lately my thoughts have been all over the place like this entry, and I don't know what to do about it. It seems like I have daily daydreams about running away to Georgia and just starting a new life there, but that's not realistic. I have to save more money to make that reality and in the mean time I have to get my career in line so I can afford to stay in a place that I actually want to stay in. There are just not enough hours in the day for me to do everything that I want to do. My brain is possesed with scattered thoughts and I just want to organize them all neatly and then decide what I want to do. The problem is that it just seems like an impossible feat. Maybe sometime in the near future my thoughts will be a lil less problematic. I'll holla.
Peace (Y)