Say it with me...Ass...Hole~ That's what I am after what I did on Saturday night. Here's the story. I was supposed to work all day, but the day before, one of my co-workers offered to take the first half of my shift, I wasn't gonna agree until another co-worker came up and wanted to take the second half. So, I'm sitting there thinking "Damn, a Saturday off? I havent' had a Saturday off in months. I can go to happy hour at chicho's and enjoy myself for once." Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Fast forward half a 40 oz, and 7 drinks later and you have a pissy drunk Calvin, who ends up on the floor after fighting sharron for her cell phone. Why was I trying to get her cell phone, I don't know, and I really don't care, all I know is that it was probably for no reason and I ended up on the floor. Then I remember Calling boston and Cristin and cussing at them because they didn't want to come. Why did I cuss them out, I don't know and I don't care, although I do know that I wasn't really mad at them, but I did go over the top in my exagerations. Then I remember Chris dragging me to the subway next door where I see Bella sitting there wit her friend. I precede to yell at her about not calling me and I piss her as well as myself off in the process. Why did I do this, why didn't I just stay in the bar and mind my own? I don't know, and I don't care. Later that night me, chris, ryan and Candace, went to Kia's house to play cards and I preceded to threaten her roommate and her boyfriend because I thought they were somebody else in my drunken stupor. Why did I do this, why didn't I just sit back and relax like a good boy? I don't know and I don't care. All I do know is this, I know that not many people that I know will see this writing, but I feel like it's necessary to publicy apologize for my actions, so with that said: I'm sorry sharron for trying to steal your phone, I deserved falling on the floor; I'm sorry boston and cristin for interupting your QT and yelling at you guys; I'm sorry Kia's roommate and her boyfriend for yelling at the two of you, and last but not least, I'm sorry Bella for losing my temper in the subway. I've been spending the better half of the last few days wondering how I could let myself get that way. In a way I guess some of the things I said were true, like what I said to Bella, (I really was kinda mad that she hadn't been calling me) but, I could have addressed the situation in a more civilized manor. Either way, I lost my normal cool demeanor and no word can describe my actions more than...Ass...hole.

I guess I should also add that there is someone else I'm tryin to fuck wit now since I'm finally starting to get over Bellz (or at least that's what I insist on telling myself). I just can't figure out if I'm tryin to fuck wit her cause I really like her, or if she's just someone I'm using to get over my ghost. Rebounds usually end pretty fast, so I guess I'll know in a few weeks whats really good. Hopefully she won't see the asshold calvin like everyone did this weekend. *shake head wit a frown* I'm out.

Ghostchasin~ Lately, I think about all the so called "codes" I lay out for myself to follow. I think they're bullshit, but despite that fact, they make me feel better as a human being, ya know. Codes like, "I don't lie cause I don't like being lied to..." only make my life harder because no matter how I want to look at it, muthafuckas is gonna lie to me, and that's just life, take it and smile, ya know. But, the main point to shit like that is not to change other's behavior, it's to make me feel like even though others might want to treat me that way, I won't sink to their level. No matter how much I want to go that route, I have to look at shit in the long term of things, and if I change my habits now, it'll probably come and bite me in the ass later. I'm saying this cause, I've been breaking another one of my personal "rules" again. Chasing ghosts. You know the saying, chasing ghosts leaves you empty handed. Once again, I'm forced to learn the hard way just how truthfull these fuckin cliche's are. I think we all know what ghost I was (keyword: was) chasing, but the fact of the matter is, I've done a lot of thinking, I've gotten in contact with my counselor, thanks cri ;-) ,and I'm washing my hands of the things that give me so much shit to work with. Who wants to work with shit? Besides the sanitation crew...and they get paid for it. In any case, I woke up this morning bright and early for class, I felt aiight. You know what "aiight" means: "I don't wanna get out of bed, but fuck it, I'm already awake, so I might as well get up" So I wake up, and my personal ghost is still wispering sweet nothings in my ear, I brush it off and brush my teeth and go to my car, thinking I'm bout to go to class (an 8 o' clock by the way) but it's so fuckin brick outside (I think it was 15 degrees) that my car cuts on me as soon as I put it in gear. Guess that's what I get for trying to speed warm my car and shit. So I go to the trunk, put some oil in my whip ( I don't know why, but putting oil in my car always seems to be the magical solution to my moter problems ). I let it settle and when I turn my car back on it's fine, and the first song I heard on the radio is Ice Cube's "good day". I love that shit, everytime I hear that shit, no matter how bad I feel, I just get a burst of energy to work with, I just get a happy feeling that everything is gonna be better than "aiight", ya know. So I hear that song, by then I'm late for class, but I don't care cause I haven't gotten the book yet anyways, but I drive to campus anyways, to do some other work on the computer. Long story short, if you read all the entries in this site, I always write when it's some really stressfull shit goin on, then I stop for a few months. When I come back, It's like I've matured SO much since the last entry. If my ghost taught me one thing, it's that now, I know what I'm looking for in a woman, and even if I can't have her, I wish her the best in her future endeavors. As for yours truly, I'm just gonna chill (same thing I was doing when I met her) and go bout my business till the next one finds me. I'm going to end this with the great words of my favorite lyricist, who's words grace the wall of my room "I've come to grips wit reality, and wiped the last tear from my eye, I loved all who were positive, in the event of my [emotional] demise" ~Tupac Shakur

~sdrawkcabssa~ The new year has begun, and I have to say that my new year didn't start out good at all. Shit, I'll go as far as saying my new year was just..., have you ever had a feeling of such deep digust that you can't even explain it. Like talkin to somebody wit extremely bad breath; you can't even be clever about it wit ur jokes, cause it's just that bad. Never in my life have I started out the new year with an "argument". I'm talkin 3 in the mornin, arguin wit Bella, damn near begging (and looking back, now I wish I hadn't let so much of my emotions out, and I'm probably only saying that cause I didn't get my way, but that's besides the point) her not to make the decision she made. I know in the entries under this, I was confused and I wanted answers, but I must admit, I didn't get the answer that I wanted. The whole time I was talkin to her that night, I kept hoping she would say "ok, fine calvin" but that didn't happen. Anyways, it's a wrap and we're friends now, now I'm goin on wit my life. Now, on top of being up all night (5:00 AM) I had to be to work at around 4 and I was hungover like a muthafucka, add to the fact that I was angry/sad about the whole Bella situation, I didn't say shit to anybody that day. Niggas kept askin me what was wrong wit me and all I could do was shrug my shoulders and do my work. I wasn't supposed to close that night, but they were gonna make me cause ryans punk ass called in (hungover) but I won't havin it. I would have lost it, but chris stayed for me, i owe him for that one. Later that week, the apt. management decided that they wanted to lose half of me and conway's rent, and their trying to fine us for 375 rent, plus 75 for it being late, when we clearly turned the money in at the same time, so there's no way they only got half. So I gotta handle that problem. I have to say that I've never had so many thoughts floating around my head. I couldn't even go to sleep last night because so many thoughts were passing through my head. I felt like it was a football game goin on inside my skull and each player was a different thought and emotion. It was surreal. I have one more thing to get off my chest about the my whole new year fiasco. While we were talkin, Bella kept bringing up something that I said months ago, and I quote, "when you call someone at 3 in the morning, it's usually about one thing." I said that to her when she asked me a question along those lines. I don't regret saying it, or how I said it. She just took it the wrong way. I just don't understand how despite the fact that I tried to explain what I meant when I said it, despite the fact that I basically poured my heart out to her that night, she was just so non-chalant about shit. On some "so the fuck what shit" And she pretty much said one of the biggest reasons for her cuttin me off was because of that. I would have felt a lot better if she had a bigger reason, than me giving her and honest answer to one of her questions. Muthafuckas always want to say that honesty is the best policy. That's bullshit! Everytime I tell the truth about some shit, I end up getting fucked. And I want to so bad just be on some fuck it shit and tell lies when it's convienient, and tell the truth only when it's convienient, but I can't. I hate liars and everything about them. I hate when people lie to me, and because of that, I try my hardest to tell the truth all the time. That might sound like some bullshit, but it's true. I'm not saying that every single thing that comes out my mouth is the truth, but when it comes to serious shit, or questions that people ask me, I tell the fuckin truth, and that shit hasn't gotten me anywhere. So I don't know what to do about that. The truth shall set you free=Assbackwards.