Stick a fork in me~ I'm done. My life as I know it has gone to a place so horrible, that I can only call it hell x 666. After graduation, things were looking up. I was looking for a job and I had ambitions of being this wholesome high school teacher. I had optimistic visions of changing the world one kid at a time. After substituting for a few months, I decided that being a teacher was not my calling. I made the difficult yet realistic decision that teaching was definetely not something I could make a career out of. I saw faces of 25 year old teachers who appeared to look like they were in their early 30's. They looked so exhausted and burnt out and I genuinely sympathized for them, because I had a choice on whether I wanted to come in or not...they didn't. And on the days that I decided to come in, the children would drive me so deep into insanity that I felt like I was more of a psych ward officer, than a teacher. So after those experiences, I decided sooner, rather than later, not to teach. Now the problem is: what does an English Major w/ a minor in education do when they decide not to teach. That, my friends, is the question of the year, and I've been trying my damndest to answer it; however, mother dearest (as well intentioned as I hope she is trying to be) doesn't see things the same way. She thinks just because I have a degree on the wall, it's just as simple as putting in applications and the jobs should come flooding in. Wrong, Wrong, Wrong, and I'll say it again...Dead Fucking Wrong!!! I can't find a full time job for shit, and it's not for the lack of trying. I'm in a position where I'm about to turn 24 years old, I still live at home, I still make a living out of roasting lobsters, and the only time I have to myself is when I'm sleeping. Believe me when I say, I AM FUCKING LOOKING FOR A JOB!! The good Lord just hasn't passed one to me yet. Yet once again, mother dearest thinks I'm being lazy. I can spend 10 hours from 8 in the morning until 6 at night at the library, on the computer, looking for jobs, but the only thing she see's is when I come home and lay in the bed. She thinks I'm lazy. So I come home to hear her mouth.
"Why aren't you looking for a job?"
"I'm trying"
"No your not, your laying in your bed"
"I'm tired, I've been looking for a job all day"
"Your not trying hard enough, why are you limiting yourself?"
"I'm not limiting myself, I'm doing everything that I can do right now."
It's at this point that I start to get frustrated because all I want to do is go to bed and forget, if only for a brief period, what a horrible situation I'm in, but she won't stop.
"Why don't you try this, or that?"
"Didn't think of that, I'll try it tomorrow."
"You just don't care do you?!"
And it goes on and on and the only thing that I can think of is "WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A JOB FOR 10 HOURS, I JUST WORKED 4 DOUBLE SHIFTS IN A ROW!! I'M TIRED!!!"
So i leave the house cause apparently leaving the house is the only time I can get some peace. I go to a quite place like sandy bottoms nature park, or buckroe beach and just chill. I can't go to sleep or watch tv in peace, but it's better than the alternative.
Fast forward a few arguments later and I've left the house, not knowing or caring what I was gonna do, or where I was gonna stay because I was so fed up with things. I guess my moms was fed up with me too, so the feelings were mutual. I felt like if she want's me gone, I'll leave. I'll sleep in my car, I'll find a way to survive. I seen people in worse situations than me, with less resources make it, so I knew I could do it. Two days later I'm back at home, and this time my mom is charging me rent. So now I have a 2,000 dollar credit card bill to pay for, Car insurance to pay for, Phone bill to pay for, and her rent. In the meantime, while all this is going on, I meet this wonderful girl, who I feel is good enough to wife up. I do it all too, I let her meet my moms and everything. I haven't let a chick meet my mom since high school. To me it was real shit. Guess it wasn't to her, cause she broke up with me last night. It was kinda fucked up how it happened.
I was at the bar after working like my 5th split shift in a week, and I ask her to come so she comes and we're chillin like we always do. My car just broke down last week so I ask her for a ride. I offer her gas money, which she declines but I give to her anyways. Before we pull off, she gives me an invitation to her birthday party which is a few weeks away. Then when we get to my crib she shuts off the engine and:
"Well Calvin, I think I have to break up with you."
The look on my face was probably a twist between, Are you fucking kidding me, why out of the blue, and what did I do wrong?
"Whats the problem," I ask.
"When I said I would be your girlfriend, I thought I was ready for a real relationship, but it turns out that I wasn't ready."
"Well if you weren't sure, why did you even say yes."
"I don't know, but I really like you and I don't want us to stop talking."
I've heard that one before (shouts to bellz ;P ) When you hear that, it usually means "We can talk to each other a few more times just to end things on a good note."
We hadn't been together for too long, we talked for a couple months and we were together for a couple months, so I wasn't too hurt, but all I could think about was "Damn, I let you meet my mom. I was trying to do things right. I didn't even think about cheatin on her. Fuck, I wasn't even pressed about fuckin her. I just liked to be with her, and I got my feelings hurt. I mean, we weren't even together long enough to have a minor argument, let alone a major one. I guess it just wasn't in the cards. I'm a free agent again, so I guess I can do what I want...
Now with all that out the way, I'm still trying to find an apartment that I can afford, so I can leave this place that I used to feel was my home. It doesn't even feel like home anymore. I feel like I've worn out my welcome here, and thats saying alot, because nine times out of ten I go out of my way to not be here at all. So all in all, lets calculate the financial, and emotional damage for the past 3 months:
Financial: $2,000 credit bill, $200 phone bill, $200 rent, $250 court costs (speeding tickets), $150 getting car fixed, $55 insurance (+however much it's gonna go up cause of the tickets),
Emotional: Rift with parents, Breakup with girlfriend, Finding a new job, Dealing with bullshit from current job, Sleeping in the car for a few nights, and trying to find a place to live
Trying to understand it all: Priceless.
Goodnight.
"Why aren't you looking for a job?"
"I'm trying"
"No your not, your laying in your bed"
"I'm tired, I've been looking for a job all day"
"Your not trying hard enough, why are you limiting yourself?"
"I'm not limiting myself, I'm doing everything that I can do right now."
It's at this point that I start to get frustrated because all I want to do is go to bed and forget, if only for a brief period, what a horrible situation I'm in, but she won't stop.
"Why don't you try this, or that?"
"Didn't think of that, I'll try it tomorrow."
"You just don't care do you?!"
And it goes on and on and the only thing that I can think of is "WILL YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A JOB FOR 10 HOURS, I JUST WORKED 4 DOUBLE SHIFTS IN A ROW!! I'M TIRED!!!"
So i leave the house cause apparently leaving the house is the only time I can get some peace. I go to a quite place like sandy bottoms nature park, or buckroe beach and just chill. I can't go to sleep or watch tv in peace, but it's better than the alternative.
Fast forward a few arguments later and I've left the house, not knowing or caring what I was gonna do, or where I was gonna stay because I was so fed up with things. I guess my moms was fed up with me too, so the feelings were mutual. I felt like if she want's me gone, I'll leave. I'll sleep in my car, I'll find a way to survive. I seen people in worse situations than me, with less resources make it, so I knew I could do it. Two days later I'm back at home, and this time my mom is charging me rent. So now I have a 2,000 dollar credit card bill to pay for, Car insurance to pay for, Phone bill to pay for, and her rent. In the meantime, while all this is going on, I meet this wonderful girl, who I feel is good enough to wife up. I do it all too, I let her meet my moms and everything. I haven't let a chick meet my mom since high school. To me it was real shit. Guess it wasn't to her, cause she broke up with me last night. It was kinda fucked up how it happened.
I was at the bar after working like my 5th split shift in a week, and I ask her to come so she comes and we're chillin like we always do. My car just broke down last week so I ask her for a ride. I offer her gas money, which she declines but I give to her anyways. Before we pull off, she gives me an invitation to her birthday party which is a few weeks away. Then when we get to my crib she shuts off the engine and:
"Well Calvin, I think I have to break up with you."
The look on my face was probably a twist between, Are you fucking kidding me, why out of the blue, and what did I do wrong?
"Whats the problem," I ask.
"When I said I would be your girlfriend, I thought I was ready for a real relationship, but it turns out that I wasn't ready."
"Well if you weren't sure, why did you even say yes."
"I don't know, but I really like you and I don't want us to stop talking."
I've heard that one before (shouts to bellz ;P ) When you hear that, it usually means "We can talk to each other a few more times just to end things on a good note."
We hadn't been together for too long, we talked for a couple months and we were together for a couple months, so I wasn't too hurt, but all I could think about was "Damn, I let you meet my mom. I was trying to do things right. I didn't even think about cheatin on her. Fuck, I wasn't even pressed about fuckin her. I just liked to be with her, and I got my feelings hurt. I mean, we weren't even together long enough to have a minor argument, let alone a major one. I guess it just wasn't in the cards. I'm a free agent again, so I guess I can do what I want...
Now with all that out the way, I'm still trying to find an apartment that I can afford, so I can leave this place that I used to feel was my home. It doesn't even feel like home anymore. I feel like I've worn out my welcome here, and thats saying alot, because nine times out of ten I go out of my way to not be here at all. So all in all, lets calculate the financial, and emotional damage for the past 3 months:
Financial: $2,000 credit bill, $200 phone bill, $200 rent, $250 court costs (speeding tickets), $150 getting car fixed, $55 insurance (+however much it's gonna go up cause of the tickets),
Emotional: Rift with parents, Breakup with girlfriend, Finding a new job, Dealing with bullshit from current job, Sleeping in the car for a few nights, and trying to find a place to live
Trying to understand it all: Priceless.
Goodnight.