Don't hate the playa, Hate the game~ and I hate both. Game...what the fuck is it? is it being able to talk the pants of a chick? Is it being able to attract women with little to no effort? I don't think it's any of those, hell, I don't think game is anything but...a game. And to be honest, I'm tired of playin it. I've successfully spent the last five years of my college life "runnin game" on chicks and failing miserably every chance I get. Hell, the only time I'm really happy with a girl is if I meet her by accident. You know how it goes when some unexpected shit happens. For example, you ask a chick for some paper or something and she gives it to you with a number on it, you start talkin to each other and next thing you know, your fuckin her. Now that ain't all that bad, I have no complaints when that happens, but I do have a complaint about what happens when I actually try to get at a chick. Whenever I see a girl I like, and I try to get at her, I'm always that nigga who's "cool and all" but not her type. And I can't for the life of me understand how that works out. I always get fuckin "friended" and it's a wrap. Which brings me back to game. My game is not strong enough and the force is not powerful enough for me to get my way. Here's a good story, I can be chillin wit my niggas, and each one of us will approach a girl, somehow someway, both of them manage to get homegirl talkin (cause that is really all you need to do) but when I try to get homegirl talkin, I get "the look". We all know that "the look" means 1 of 3 things: your ugly, your a clown, I have a man. I know for damn sure that I ain't ugly, I do know that I can be a clown sometimes, but most of the time I'm pretty chill, and as for the man thing, if that's her excuse, you can try to argue and maybe it'll work and maybe it won't, but I don't have time for drama so I don't even try. I think my problem is the fact that when I approach a woman, I start thinking about what I wanna say so much, that whatever comes out is garbage. My mind'll say "my name is Cal, can I buy u a drink?" but my mouth says some ol niggerish shit like "ay yo, whats good wit you, you got a man?" Now, no matter how hard I try to ignore the facts, I know that I'm gettin old. I'm 23 years old (not too old but still...), and even though I don't wanna admit it, I gotta find a girl to kick back wit. This shouldn't be a problem, but it is. It's a problem because, when you adopt that mindset, you lower your standards. It may not be that way for everybody, but it is for me. I can tell that I'm lowering my standards, and I'm not even talkin about looks, I'm talkin about the qualities a girl has. While a few years ago, I may have only fucked wit chicks in college, I find myself fuckin wit girls who haven't been in college and don't know what the fuck they wanna do. The conflict is crazy, because while I know that I should hold out for somethin better, that clock is steady tickin and next thing you know I just wasted 5 years looking for "the one" who I can't find, and I refuse to let that happen. On the same line, if I force myself to accept somebody, the chances of that relationship surviving is slim to none. It's a double edged sword cause I'm still wasting my time. The confusion is starting to take over to the point where I just wanna say fuck it, and wait for something to happen, but that would be taking the pussy way out. Since I call myself a man, I got to act like a man and face my challenges head held high, and just not give a fuck. My problem is, It's hard for me to not give a fuck because I look at how things could turn out in the future, and not giving a fuck is not going to make my future better. Sometime I hate the way my mind is constantly overwhelmed with thoughts, I just want to turn it off and live for a change. Add to the fact that bitches (keyword: bitches, not my beautiful sisters) don't know what the fuck they want (they want to date a thug, but marry a man who takes care of his BI, but when a man comes her way, she's so blinded by the thugs edge, that she misses the man who wants nothing more than to see her smile) and you have a whole 'nother side of the coin to look at. A side that I don't even want to begin to touch. Now I know that if anybody I know is reading this, your probably getting a good laugh right now, but shit, if you haven't figured it out yet: This is me, Pure and uncut. You can get no closer to knowing me than this page, which is why I don't write in it everyday, I choose what I want to put out there. It's some things up here that I'm ashamed of, and things I'm proud of, but it's all me. Love me or hate me for it. If you love me for it, then I love you right back, but if you hate and got jokes, then I probably never gave a fuck about your opinion anyways.
Peace (Y).

Being Different~ Today I realized a shocking truth that was disturbing at first, then led me to believe that this truth makes me a better person. I'm different. That's right, I'm different, and this ain't no gotdamn after-school special. Now even though most people say that being different is okay, most of those same people don't mean it. When they say shit like that, they actually mean, "being different is okay, as long as your different within the boundaries." The boundaries meaning such things as, dress (you can wear different shoes, but if your black they can't be skateboarding shoes, they have to be nikes or reebok, or we'll classify you wit the white people). Now I'm not saying that I run around with skateboard shoes on (I don't). What I'm saying is that if I decided to rock skateboarding shoes, I'd be ridiculed for it and I probably wouldn't want to wear them anymore cause they would just make my social life harder to deal wit. And this, my friends, is where the conflict comes into play. Why are we so scared to be different? Because we want to be "accepted"? Because we want to get that girl who only likes mainstream shit? Because we want to be seen with the cool crowd? or because we're scared of being weird? The answer is all of the above. We don't want to be different, because we have a desire to be accepted by the people who wouldn't accept us if we did wear those skateboarding shoes, or if we dyed our hair green. We want to get the girl (or guy,whatever ur preference) that will only like us if we do the things that everybody else considers normal. We will go through hell to make sure that everyone around us won't give us those "s/he's weird" looks when we're shopping at the mall. After all, "being normal" is human nature, isn't it? We all have that desire to be what everyone wants us to be so we won't have to deal with those looks...so we can be "accepted". That's why I admire those people I see who dare to be different. I admire people who don't give a fuck, because I myself so desperately wish that I had the same attitude. I wish that I had the advantage of going through life not caring if people thought my clothes were bought out the thrift store. I crave that mentality so much, because different people make the world go round. If we didn't have people that dared to be different, the world would be stuck in the 50's. Think about how this country would be today, if we didn't have those few women who decided to wear swimsuits in the old days (no tip drill video's, that's for damn sure) What about if we didn't have the people who wanted to wear different clothing (none of our name brands would exist today). This country is so fixated in churning out garden variety individuals that the only people who truly shine are the ones who say "fuck that!" Now at the beginning of this post, I said that I was different. When I said that, I don't mean that I'm on the whole "fuck that!" level. When I say I'm different, I'm still pretty damn normal, I'm just different within the crowd that I hang out with. I'm usually the most soft spoken one of the group, and I'm the one that never wants to go to club letouts because I feel like it's a waste of time. I'm the one that usually won't fuck a random chick that I just met cause I'm scared of what's out there (keyword: usually. Sometimes I slip up and say "fuck that!" every now and then). I'm the one that's usually the reasonable person saying "nah, don't beat that niggaz ass, it's not worth it." And I'm usually the one that's willing to drive when my niggaz is bent, and their hungry (Don't act like yall don't know what I'm talkin about. ;-) ) Sadly, I'm caught between satisfying my family, my friends, my professors, my peers, and even that random girl who wouldn't talk to me if I wasn't normal. So these realities keep me from truly attempting to experience life at it's fullest by actually being the face in the crowd that's not just another face in the crowd. So for now, I guess I'll have to settle for just being a little different, because being at least a little different is better than not being different at all, right?