LoversandFriends~ Damn. For one time in my life I think I finally understand some shit people have told me in the past. Friends with benefits? Last year, those words were like angels singing in my ear. Sex? Sex without an official connection? Better yet, Sex without a connection, with someone u don't mind being around? Shit sounds lovely as hell don't it? And I must admit, it was lovely. But now, it's like what I was saying before, the feelins u catch after sexin someone for a good amount of time is bound to hit at least one of the people at sometime. It just happened to hit me first. Now, no matter how hard I try to fight it, it won't stop. By this time, we've been fuckin wit each other since like march or april (wit a lil break over the summer). Now i got my niggas like "u still fuckin wit her? Y the fuck arn't yall just together?" What the fuck can I say but "I don't know, friends wit benefits deal" "well, as long as u two have been fuckin wit each other, yall need to renegotiate that contract." Fucked around and left her picture in my room when my moms came by, now she's always askin about her. Shit is really gettin out of control, and something has to be done. The question is what. Should I keep fuckin wit her and ignore my feelings? Tell her how I feel and let her decide? Just cut the shit off and be friends? Or just cut shit off all together? The only problem wit the last one is the fact that I don't burn bridges. Everyone in my life is there for a reason, and if I didn't like them, then they wouldn't be in my life in the first place. To make matters worse, it's exam time and I've been cooped up in this damn library for like 2 days strait, and it's driving me crazy. I got 4 of them and starting wednesday, I got one exam a day until saturday. I feel like I'm in some kind of educational drill camp. Read this, remember that, jot this down, look that up...it doesn't end. I just want the madness in my life to take the backseat for a few weeks. :-

Broken~It's been a while since I hit up the web journal shit. I've gone through months of happy times, as well as months of pain since I last wrote. In April my granddaddy passed away, and not one week after he passed, my best friend's brother got killed by a stray bullet. This had to have been the saddest time of my life because I'm just not used to death in my circle. It doesn't happen often, so when it does it's major shock. The summer this year did nothing to compare to last summer but it was fun nontheless. Me, chris and ryan fucked around and started chillin wit these girls in Denbeigh and long story short, shit just didn't happen the way we planned. Rock bottom is an understatement. My 3rd car passed on to car heaven and I got another one that's 10x better than the last piece of shit that I had. Fast forward past the lukewarm summer and the other bullshit goin on. A girl I knew from the past got in contact with me right before the summer started, and we would talk all the time, but then shit just started getting scary. She would start acting like we were "together" (and there's nothing wrong wit that, IF i felt like I wanted to be wit her) and she would make plans to come travel to see me, and try to buy me shit, offering me money (I don't really like to use girls for money, cause that shit will almost definetely come back to haunt a nigga). Needless to say, I had to cut her off in a mean way. I just stopped taking her calls. I'm really cuttin shit short cause so much has happened since I last wrote. The main thing that has been goin on, is my ongoing "relationship" wit Bella. I never wrote about bella in here before so I'll explain. In January, my boy chris introduces me to her and he's all like "try to hit it" so I'm like aiight, I'll see. When I met her (and I know this is stupid) we gots to talkin and I found out that she liked ras kass. I've never met a girl who even knew who ras kass was, let alone someone who liked him. So when I found that out, I was on some "ok, I'm a see what she's about, instead of just tryin to hit it." We talk for a few weeks and I find out that she likes my nigga ryan, and basically think she's tryin to play us like we're stupid. Now the old Calvin would have flipped out and basically tried his best to make this girl's life miserable, but as u know if u've read the past entries, I'm well on my way to being a better person. Matter of fact, I can say that from the time I started this blog, to now, I've grown significantly so that I don't even entertain thoughts like that. Anyways, I address her about the situation and she claimed that she didn't know I was tryin to get at her like that ( I don't see how she couldn't see that, but hey, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.) So weeks go on, and eventually we take things to "that" level, and at first, for me, it's just sex. Now 9 months later, I'm find myself catchin feelings and I hate it. I don't like the feeling of caring for somebody, I can't stand it cause it's foreign to me. It's only happened once before and it ended in disater. I don't like not knowing where u stand in a relationship like we have. The thing that sucks the most is the feeling of not knowing cause it's like at any moment things can fall apart and you're left wondering why. Did I do something wrong? Did she just get tired of me? Was I too clingy? Feelings and questions like that are the reason why I don't like to catch feelings, cause I don't like those questions coming into my head. It makes me feel like I'm one of those people I always laugh at. If I didn't have feelings and something happened, I'd shrug it off. "chalk it up to the game" type of shit. Now, i don't know how I would feel if she were to just say, "enough" and that "not knowing" feeling is what I hate the most. More to come.